Dreams are defined in two ways: #1 – a series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person’s mind during sleep. and #2 – a cherished aspiration, ambition, or ideal.
I will admit I don’t often remember the dreams I had when I am sleeping. I guess it is part of the MS or maybe I don’t dream. But there was a time when I had goals – dreaming big for success in my professional and personal life. Of course, I’m not sure I really knew what success was.
What do you dream of? Exotic vacations? A successful business? A romantic relationship? Kids? Friends? What did you dream about doing when you were little? I don’t remember much of my childhood so what my dreams were, I don’t know. I have glimpses of past dreams – some of which I met. Those glimpses come with the help of others who remind of my successes. Now, my dream is to wake up one morning with memories (all of them) and not have MS. I dream of being able to process thoughts and have feelings again besides the extremes of sadness and joy. It’s more wishful thinking than anything, but who knows, if not today, maybe tomorrow. There’s always hope for tomorrow.
I never grew up dreaming I would have a life with a chronic illness filled with body weakness, loss of memory and pain. I don’t think anyone ever does. Cancer took many of my family members so I actually figured one day it would take me…..but I stuffed the thought and lived my life. I’m not sure what my choice would have been on career day but I’m sure MS wasn’t an option. I remember wanting to be a lawyer and ended up in the casinos. Then addiction and recovery changed my life. I went from the casino to being a social worker. Something which might have been God’s plan all along. I loved helping people and it became my calling. I am grateful for the pictures and the memories others share with me of those many years making a difference in the live of others. I love creating things – angels of all types and sewing.
Now, because of MS, my thoughts get jumbled and the words I’m thinking aren’t always the ones that come out. I don’t remember people so remember details about their life is a struggle. Helping others is more difficult since I can barely help myself some days. I trust others memories of my hopes and dreams. I rely on them to help me remember my past.
I may not talk a lot in public since my worlds get jumbled BUT I do love writing. Writing my thoughts down gives me enough time to pause in order to keep from jumbling words up too bad. I still make a ton of writing errors, but they are easier to correct than losing my train of thought in the middle of a conversation. It’s really funny when I jot something down and then go back and read it later – I am usually puzzled wondering what was I thinking.
Creating my angels has become therapy. It takes a lot longer than it used to but I still love spending the time using those creative juices. The colors may not always work, the design may be a bit off but the end result is a unique angel design. I have to be more patient with my hands when they won’t stay steady. Or the numbness/tingling causes me to drop things. That makes it a challenge, but somehow I still get things done.
Because of MS, I have learned to appreciate the things I am still able to do. I can’t let the fact that I can’t do something now get me down. There’s always a way if I get creative enough.
Have you given up on a dream? Maybe it is because of a chronic illness. Maybe it is because life showed up and things got detoured. Don’t loose hope in succeeding in finding your dream. Never stop pursuing your dreams just because something gets in the way. Life happens. Dreams keep us going and yes, they do change.
Never lose the ability to dream – for me, it just means writing them down. It means not “thinking” the passion will keep the dream alive because the truth is, by tomorrow I will forget what the dream was.
Remember…Go out there and conquer your day today. Reach for your dreams – large or small. taking one step closer to them every day.
Hope Wissel 