- Identify what happened to cause the change
- Why did it happen
- How can I use this for my personal growth
- What changes can I make to improve in the future
- Where can I find help or who can help
Blind faith is defined as ““belief without true understanding, perception, or discrimination.” It wasn’t until recently it was pointed out to me, this is what I have. A positive thing instead of the negative thing I would have described it as.
“It will all work out” has been one of my favorite lines for years. As a single mom, I always believed things would work out. I didn’t know how, I didn’t know why – I just believed they would. I actually believe my relationship with God was pretty much nonexistent through HS, college and later in life. During my early years, I was active in church and a Rainbow Girl. I believed in God just didn’t have a relationship with him. Weird, right?
God was there even when I didn’t see or believe it. He had his hand on everything which is why I believe through my years of addiction, I was saved. I had a blind faith deep in my soul despite the odds. My first time in the rooms, I always said I was “spiritual” not religious. The Serenity Prayer was the closest I got to having a conversation with God. It was the thing which kept me going even when I was on the road to relapse and during my relapse. I thought it was more of a foxhole prayer at that point since I had made such a mess of my life.
Now, I have a relationship with God. Are there still potholes in my path? YES! Do I wonder if I am on the right road or following his purpose for me? YES! Do I still struggle with fear? YES! Do I still play the comparison game? YES! Fear and doubt didn’t not magically go away because of my faith. Satan loves to play with me especially on days when my MS flares up.
Every morning, I read my “Just for Today” and pause for a moment to thank God for his many blessings. Truth be told (have you heard this amazing song?), I don’t STOP and wait to LISTEN for God’s message.
There are some days, it is more obvious than others I haven’t listened. The days when the doubts come. The days when resentments build. The days when frustration and anger get the best of me. Those days, I wonder what happened to the belief God would take care of things?
Those are the days, when I forget it’s not my job to fix the potholes in my trail. I need to let God lead, and He will smooth the way. Whatever the path looks like, God has a plan for every step (Jeremiah 29:11). The path may be filled with potholes but no matter where I am headed, God is aware of every gap in the road He’s established for me.
Hubby pointed out to me recently “you have a blind faith”. I was shocked because I never thought about it. I used to believe people judged me for the decisions I made. Many times my decisions were not based on solid facts, just a feeling I had things would be okay. Sometimes they were and sometimes they weren’t. It wasn’t until I took my will back and stopped letting God lead the way, the road to relapse became a downhill spiral. Me trying to figure things out or fix things led me to a path filled with potholes. It kept me from letting my light shine and making a difference in the lives of other people.
It is time to embrace my blind faith. Time to stop trying to fix the potholes. Time to stop trying to figure things out on my own. Time to let God lead, have faith and let him show me the path he has prepared for me. It is “his will for my life, not mine”.
Are you trying to fix the potholes in your life or are you “letting go and letting God”?
Have a ThirtyOne-derful day!
Where Does Your Strength Come From?
My strength comes from God but he gave me an amazing momma to help me along the way…..
Have you ever wondered where you get the strength to go on? Or how you can be strong when others would have thrown in the towel?
I never really thought of myself as being strong BUT I knew my momma was…….despite LOTS of struggles, she came through it. She continues to shine even on her worst days. She instilled a sense of faith in me very early. I know it is her faith which kept her going on the worse days. Despite my bad choices and in my darkest days, I knew no matter what God had his hand on me and would take care of me. I am grateful for the lessons she taught me.
Today is momma’s birthday………..
I won’t disclose her age but she DEFINITELY doesn’t look it. The last year has been tough but she has continued to remain strong. It is her inner strength which continues to guide her even on the hardest days.
Let me tell you a little about this AMAZING woman… I have to admit, I’m grateful for years of blogging since I struggle to remember….
Growing up, Mom was always there. She made sure our home was always open to my friends – I mean we were the house to go to after a basketball game or when there was no place else to go. I may not have been thrilled but I was grateful I could pick up the phone and say – I am on my way with 2, 10, 25 or more people. The house was always stocked with snacks. After my Junior Prom, my parents made breakfast for over 300 kids. Yes, the parade of non-stop kids through the house was a little more than this teenager was ready for but mom stood strong.
Off to college I went and there were struggles. Freshman year, my parents divorced and it wasn’t easy. I was in Rhode Island while mom was home holding down the fort. Scrimping pennies to make sure I had a home to come back to. They were tough years but we had fun. She often traveled to Rhode Island for a weekend where we toured the mansions of Newport, shopped in Fall River and she even camped out in my dorm room. After college, I headed home to work locally, moving back in with mom. We spent countless nights walking the boardwalk in Ocean Grove. Fast forward to my move to Egg Harbor Township and more years of rough roads. In my addiction, I admit I pulled away and mom practiced some tough love but our relationship survived the test. Along came Belinda and in the beginning there were struggles but through it all – mom was there. She helped emotionally, financially and physically. Despite some differences and hiccups in the road – she was there.
When Belinda left for college and I moved to Brick, it was a rough time for both of us. Lives changed – I had a new hubby and the one hour drive to visit in Mays Landing felt like an eternity. Then came my relapse and again mom was there. She was there to help me through those early rough days. Day trips to Mays Landing were done about once a month and there never seemed to be enough time. Juggling travel up and down the parkway, MS issues, medical appointments, and life always seemed to throw us a curve ball.
Fast forward to 2020, when after a quick unexpected sale of the condo in Brick, hubby and I moved to Mays Landing. Finally just 20 minutes away. Grateful to spend the holidays together, cooking in our new home. Now I can actually stop by whenever I want or help out when something is needed.
My memories may be gone but in my heart I know I learned A LOT from my mom. She taught me: how to be strong when life is rough, how to save and budget (okay, so this lesson took longer to learn), the importance of family and about being a mom. She reminds me to believe in myself (you would think I would know this by now). I can honestly say my mom is one of my best friends.
When you think about your qualities – strength, perseverance, or faith – have you thought about where you got them from? We usually think they are a result of the bumps in the road, and they do help build strong character traits. BUT our family – parents, siblings, extended family – help to shape us as well. They are the ones who help to mold us into the person God would want us to be. Remember to thank them.
Mom, thank you for all you have done, continue to do and or always being there. I love you! Hope you have a blessed birthday!
Have a ThirtyOne-derful day!
If you feel defeated or have ever felt like it, know you are not alone!
Since March when COVID became our way of life, I’ve seen many posts about people who feel like their whole life is falling apart. I will admit, I had those fleeting moments too. You know the feeling when it seems like no matter how hard you try, you aren’t able to do anything about it. We want to fix, manage and control things. The very people you thought would stand beside you forever turned and walked away. Those days when the waves of hopelessness flooded your heart and clouded your mind, inching you closer and closer to simply giving up. The mere thought of facing one more day filled your heart with pain, fear and too much uncertainty to manage. Who has been there? Maybe not during COVID but at other times in your life….
As a recovering addict who battles with MS, I will admit those days still happen. I want you to know you are not alone. There are others who have already been there.
People who know me, know I’m not a quitter…I never have been. I usual face things with the confidence I will overcome and things will get better. Honestly, there have been times when I’ve felt like giving up and waving the white flag of defeat. I’m not immune to having the feelings of being overwhelmed, weak and uncertain. I have tried to do things my way only to find out I created more of a mess. Those days when MS kicks my butt with brain fog, confusion and aching throughout my body. Or the days when I feel as if I’m not “enough” – frustrated with my weight loss efforts and life in general. I struggle with admitting I’m powerless. I struggle with wanting things my way.
Recently, I saw a post about Emperor Tamerlane who was badly defeated in battle. He ran from the battle and hid in a barn. Enemy troops searched the countryside for him. By this time he was depressed, his troops had been terribly defeated and scattered, and he didn’t know what he was going to do.
It was then he noticed an ant trying to push a giant kernel of corn up over a stone wall. As he watched this ant attempt to do the impossible, he counted its futile efforts to see how many times the ant would try until it gave up.
One, two, three… twenty… forty… sixty-nine times the ant tried and failed to push the kernel over the wall. But in one last push, on the seventieth try, the ant made it. Leaping to his feet, Tamerlane excitedly said to the ant, “If you can do it, then so can I.” That day he changed his outlook, reorganized his forces, went back and defeated the enemy.
This story reminded me of the “Little Engine that Could” book I was given my first time in recovery by a friend who was also my boss at the time. It was this book which helped to remind me on a daily basis things would get better. Life did get better and then I thought I had things under control. BIG mistake…..I know I squirreled but I do when I am writing (or talking, LOL).
I know you have probably heard it a million times but you can do it too! On the outside, people don’t understand every day living with MS is a struggle for me. On the outside things look easy but on the inside I am attempting the impossible – searching for memories, struggling to find the right words, and trying to carry on conversations. Add my character defects (yup, I have them) linked to being a recovering addict and you have a “hot mess”. just like the ant I failed more than once…but I don’t quit.
I push, get exhausted, try some more, fail, rest, but still get up and try again. I admit I am powerless in trying to fix, manage and control things. I push through weakness, dizziness, muscle spasms, and a lack of sleep. I push through going to meetings because I need to know I am not alone. I push through feelings of comparison when it comes to my business. I push and keep on pushing at everything I do. There are days when even a simple trip to the mailbox is a struggle.
Do I still craft? YES! Do I still do puzzles? YES! Do I still plan meals? YES (if I didn’t, I never know what we would eat, LOL). Do I still work my business? YES (most days)! Why do I keep pushing….. I think of the little ant who reminds us we can do it. The fight is worth it. We can make it. Even though things look as if they are impossible, there is still some possibility there. Today, let me be the ant for you. Remember “impossible” is actually “I’m possible”.
Don’t let the fact a situation, a person, an addiction or a health issue cause you to feel defeated. You can’t stop trying. You can’t stop pushing. Don’t let it win…now PUSH!
I haven’t written in awhile, not sure what to say or what to write about. This morning, this was heavy on my heart so I figured someone needed to hear it. I was also surprised by the number of people who keep stopping by my blog to check it out even though I haven’t been writing. I’m grateful for my readers. I’m grateful for those who support my business. It is because I can make a difference in the life of one person I keep on pushing….
Have a ThirtyOne-derful day!
Addiction Shows Up in Unlikely Places
I don’t know about you but the more time I spend with me, the more the “past” haunts me. During these “stay at home” times, most nights I’m by myself since hubby is an essential employee. Despite my best efforts, the inner gremlins of the past creep in. I think about those I have hurt. I think about the “woulda, coulda, shoulda” things. I think about “what if”. Not always a good place for a recovering addict.
I love this simple message:
“Don’t Stumble On Things That Are Behind You.”
I thought hard about this seemingly simple directive about a habit which trips so many of us up: looking back. Allowing the past to deter and diminish our present and our future.
I had an “epiphany” last night. As I was thanking God for the blessings of the day and asking for his guidance, I realized I had again substituted one thing for another. My addiction had shown up in an unlikely spot – not really unlikely for me. Showing up in unlikely places is not uncommon for addicts if we don’t keep things in check. No, I didn’t have thoughts of using drugs or drinking. No, I didn’t go on a shopping spree. I was eating “junk food” and hiding it. Crazy, right?
I thought about the went last 5 days hubby had worked. I went to pick up some groceries and here is what happened.
- I stopped to Dunkin for my iced green tea. It was Friday so I got a “free” donut”. I was out a second time on Friday to pick up Baby’s medicine. Stopped at Dunkin again and got another “free” donut.
- Went to Aldi’s for some fresh fruit and fresh veggies – a good thing, right? They had Cadbury mini eggs on sale. I have been obsessing over them for a week so I bought a whole bag along with a bag of Robin’s Eggs.
- Stopped to Wawa and picked up bottles of Wawa diet tea. Not very healthy because of all of the artificial sweeteners.
- Had to stop myself yesterday from going out just to get a Dunkin tea and a donut.
Each time I go on a shopping run, I end up buying something I normally would not eat or drink. WHY??? I want what I want when I want it. LOL. The crazy part is I was hiding all of this stuff from hubby. I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal BUT it is how it starts, right? Substitute one thing for another and keeping secrets.
I know I am only as sick as my secrets so I am letting them into the light….I’m sharing it publicly as a way to be accountable. As harmless as it may seem to someone, it is the start of the spiral. I beat myself up. I start to justify things with “I haven’t gained any weight”, or “it is stress eating” or when this is over I will do better. The truth is by then it will be too late…..the weight will be back and I will be miserable. I have been riding the stationary bike every day for at least 20 minutes which has helped to keep me from gaining weight BUT it doesn’t justify the sneak eating. This is an old behavior from my days of being a bulimic – the only difference is, I’m not purging.
I know I’m not alone….finding things to keep us busy and out of our heads can be tough. I have been creating angels, reading, sewing and cleaning out closets. I have been doing at least one video meeting a day – over the weekend it was 3 meetings a day. WHY? Because I know when I hear what others share, I am out of my head and I know I am not alone.
Today I am giving myself grace – it meets us in the asking for strength from our Higher Power. Because of this I can move forward (and so can you) in His grace. Even when life is complicated and messy.
It’s not about locking things in a secret compartment of your heart. When we turn things over, no matter how insignificant it may seem to our Higher Power, He can give us the rest we long for. Healing for our heart wounds.
The reward of faith is freedom in our Higher Power. With this faith, the past has no hold on us. Grace fixes our gaze forward.
So the next time I’m tempted to beat myself up because of a mistake, I will turn things over to my Higher Power and choose not to beat myself up, not to re-hash a painful conversation, not to blame another person … not to stumble on things behind me.
Instead I will reach for grace. I will reach for my Higher Power and call to Him for help.
This seems like a jumble of thoughts but I need to be accountable. Are you struggling with keeping away from the “junk food”? What are your best tips? Share them with us..
Have a blessed day!