AD-VO-CATE For Mom and Dad

A few weeks ago I attended a networking meeting.  It was held at a local rehabilitation facility and was geared specifically for woman.  When I first heard about the meeting, I was interested and then the name of the location haunted my memory.  I “thought” it sounded familiar but tossed the notion aside.  See the memory was one which was bittersweet.

As I arrived with a good friend, I realized I did know this place.  It was where E had spent many days after being in the hospital.  It was the spot where I finally let go of the hurt and pain of not speaking for so long and mended my relationship with her.  It was a place of healing and hope. So I knew I was meant to be here whatever the outcome because it had triggered memories I had forgotten.The meeting was geared to those in the healthcare field, and we felt like a fish out of water.     We made the most of it and I was blessed to meet Debra Hallisey of AD-VO-CATE for Mom and Dad.

Here is her story, direct from her website:

Hi, my name is Deb Hallisey, I am a caregiver knowledge expert, and advocate for older adults and their families.

I have over twenty-five years’ experience as a consultant building and enhancing corporate training programs with Ernst & Young and Huron Consulting group along with smaller boutique firms. My client base includes Fortune 500 companies across the US and Canada. Constant travel for my job made it a challenge to be involved in my parent’s health and living situation as they aged.

In 2015 everything changed when I became responsible for my disabled mother after my father’s death. I found myself asking “what do I do?” and “where do I start?” as her caregiver, as her financial adviser, and as her daughter? Figuring out the answers to those burning questions drove home the need we all have to be an effective advocate for our aging parents.

Through this life event my website Advocate for Mom and Dad was born. Advocate for Mom and Dad offers practical advice for “what do I do?” and “where do I start?” You will learn from the experience of others how they handled challenges on topics such as legal, financial, insurance, and caregiving issues. Each story includes links to resources the family found helpful as an effective advocate for their parents. The mission of Advocate for Mom and Dad is to build a community that helps families determine their best answers to the questions of “what do I do?” and “where do I start?”

This is not a topic we like to discuss or we ever think we will need to worry about BUT the truth is being prepared or knowing where the resources are is key!  You may not need this now.  You may think you will ever need it.  Bookmark her website.  Save it for the day when you least it expect it

Hope you have a ThirtyOne-derful day!

Happy Birthday Baby!

At 7:57AM exactly 28 years ago my baby girl was born – Belinda Joan Heldreth Steinel.  I am sure she is cringing at me calling her my “baby” but she will always be my baby no matter how old she gets.

When I found out I was pregnant, there were a whirlwind of emotions. Belinda’s dad opted to leave us since he “wasn’t ready to be a dad”.  Was I ready to be a mom? Probably not.  This fun-loving, workaholic, partying women thought “I can do and have it all”.  Whatever “all is” right?  Reality quickly sunk in as I was banished to bed for most of my pregnancy.  I will admit I was a party girl – drugs, alcohol, late nights and not eating healthy all contributed to high blood pressure and being toxic during my pregnancy.

Life was a little, okay ALOT, crazy but I knew we would be okay.  I had family and friends who were there for me.  I searched high and low for a book on what a busy career woman could do when she became a single mom – YIKES!  There was no book, no script and most of my friends had never had a baby so tips were few and far between.

The morning Belinda arrived, I was due for a stress test because despite the doctor’s prediction, she was NOT early nor was she a preemie!  When I called the doctor to tell him I as in labor, he was like “I will see you for the stress test”. NO WAY!  Within an hour, the pain was unbearable so off Elsie and I went to the hospital.  We arrived at the hospital and admissions said “we need paperwork”. REALLY?  I was here and did it already.  I just want the pain to stop – NOW!  I was having contractions but the doctor said it was too early for pain meds.  By the time the doctor came back in it was too LATE for pain meds.  Yup, 100% natural labor along with a vow I would NEVER had another child.

It was always “you and me kid”.  You were the reason I got clean during my addiction.  I picked and chose my battles while you were growing up.  Some things just weren’t worth it.  I was blessed.  You were basically a good kid.  A gymnast (thank you Edythe & Grams).  A field hockey player.  An All Star Cheerleader.  A hard working girl at the age of 16.  You always said “I never want to disappoint you” and I can say you never have.

Yes, I had tremendous support from my mom and the rest of the family.   But at the end of the day, it was “you and me kid” snuggled in our mobile home getting through life with the cats and Tinkerbell, the dog.

Do you remember the first time the realization hit you your “baby” was a grown up? Was it when they went to HS? How about when they got their first job? Or was it when they got their driver’s license?  Most will say, it was when they went off to college.  For me, the realization came as Rob and I walked her down the “aisle” to the waiting arms of her finance.  Yup.  It took that long – just one year ago.  I was not ready for the flood of emotion I would be hit with as we drove back to Jersey after the wedding.

Belinda, you have grown into an amazing woman.  I have always been proud of you.  I love your giving heart.  I love your energy.  I love your self-confidence.  Yes, I even love your lack of tact when telling people how you “really” feel.  You have inspired others to reach for their dreams.  You have fought for those who could not fight for themselves. You have blazed a trail advocating as far as Capital Hill for the things you believe in.  You stand up for what you believe in even if it goes against the norm.

Our family has grown – Rob became your step-dad and Ashley your wife. And we are blessed to have them.  They love us for who we are – the good, the bad and the ugly.

Yes, mom is shedding a tear or two as I write this.  We are not physically together today but our hearts will be bound together forever.  I wish you a day filled with love and happiness.  I hope all of your dreams come true.   Happy Birthday Baby!

Have a ThirtyOne-derful day!

Are You an Advocate?

 

When I entered Social Work in the early years of HIV/AIDS, I was the voice for those who were unseen.  I helped those who were tossed away due to drug addiction, sexual addictions, homosexuality, and homelessness.  I was for the underdog.

It wasn’t long and I was called an advocate.  I didn’t really understand what that was.  By definition, an advocate is  “a person who speaks or writes in support or defense of a person, cause, etc.”.  Yup, that was me!  As I went from the front lines in Social Work to Non-Profit Administration, I was still an advocate.  Easily defending others and their cause.

Why is it so hard for us to do the same for ourselves?

Whether we are sharing our passion for our business or taking a stand on a personal healthy issue, we seem to struggle.  The inner gremlins get the best of us.  They convince us that we are selfish.  They tell us that our health problems aren’t as bad as someone else.  They make us doubt our abilities.  They make us think that our symptoms are all “in our head”.  All of this has really hit home as I am dealing with my own health challenge.

The old saying “Do as I say but no as I do” rings true here.

I am able to encourage my team and others with awesome ideas that will help their business.  I am able to advocate for causes that are near and dear to my heart.  I am able to give voice to others who have difficulties with medical providers.  I am able to fight on behalf of others.  I am able to help others to stand on their own.  I can advocate and make a difference in the lives of others.

Why is it so hard for us to do the same for ourselves?

Here are some tips to help YOU advocate for yourself:

• Believe in Yourself: Remember that YOU know your body.  You know the aches and the pains that you have.  You know that your body doesn’t feel right (or normal).
• Know Your Rights:  Know your insurance carrier and what they cover.  If you are working with a General Practitioner, ask them to refer you to a specialist.  
• Gather Support:  I am not saying host a demonstration on their door step.  What I am saying is talk to your personal “cheerleaders“, the people who support you through good times and bad.  Talk to family and friends who have seen the signs and symptoms so they can reinforce what is happening.  
• Express and Assert Yourself Clearly:  Being an emotional mess will NOT help the situation.  State the facts.  Be concise without a lot of added stuff or fluff.  This one is hard and may require practice.  If need be, write a list of things as they happen so that you can recap them for the doctor.  
• Be Firm and Persistent:  Remember that there are other “fish in the sea”.  You can interview a doctor the same way you interview for a job.  Ask for second opinion or even third ones if it is necessary.  

After a horrendous experience at one “speciality center“, I looked for somewhere else.  I will admit that the inner gremlins got the best of me for a little while.  I was ready to give up.  I was ready to accept whatever they told me and stop pushing on.  I kicked, screamed and through a tantrum.  Then…..the advocate kicked in and I began to

Are you struggling with being your own advocate?  Need a cheerleader?  Reach out and I will be glad to help you, if I can.

Hope you have a ThirtyOne-derful day!

Happy Birthday Belinda

At 7:57AM exactly 27 years ago my baby girl was born – Belinda Joan Heldreth Steinel.  I am sure she is cringing at me calling her a “baby” but she will always be my baby.

When I found out that I was pregnant, there were a whirlwind of emotions.  Belinda’s dad opted to leave us since he “wasn’t ready to be a dad”.  Was I ready to be a mom?  Probably not.  This fun-loving, workaholic, partying women thought “I can do and have it all”.  Reality quickly sunk in as I was banished for health reasons to bed for most of my pregnancy.  Life was a little, okay ALOT, crazy but I knew that we would be okay.

The morning Belinda arrived, I was due for a stress test because despite the doctor’s prediction, she was NOT early nor was she a preemie!  When I called the doctor to tell him I as in labor, he was like I will see you for the stress test. NO WAY!  Within an hour, the pain was unbearable so off Elsie and I went to the hospital.  I was having contractions but it was too early for pain meds.  By the time the doctor came back in it was too LATE for pain meds.  Yup, 100% natural labor along with a vow that I would NEVER had another child.

It has always been “you and me kid”.  Yes, Rob entered the picture when you were 13.  Yes, I had tremendous support from family.  At the end of the day, it was “you and me kid” snuggled in our mobile home getting through life with the cats and Tinkerbell.

I picked and chose my battles when you were growing up.  Some things just weren’t worth it.  I was blessed.  You were basically a good kid.  A gymnast (thank you Edythe & Grams).  A field hockey player.  An All Star Cheerleader.  A hard working girl from the age of 16.

Do you remember the first time the realization hit you that your “baby” was a grown up?  Was it when they went to HS? How about when they got their first job? Or was it when they got their driver’s license?  Most will say, it was when they went off to college.  For me, the realization came as Rob and I walked her down the “aisle” to the waiting arms of her finance.  Yup.  It took that long – just this past August.  I was not ready for the flood of emotion that would hit as we drove back to Jersey that weekend.

Belinda, you have grown into an amazing woman.  I have always been proud of you.  I love your giving heart.  I love your energy.  I love your self-confidence.  Yes, I even love your lack of tactic when telling people how you “really” feel.  You have inspired others to reach for their dreams.  You have fought for those who could not fight for themselves. You have blazed a trail advocating as far as Capital Hill for the things that you believe in.  You stand up for what you believe in even if it goes against the norm.

Yes, mom is shedding a tear or two as I write this.  We may not physically be together today since you are in North Carolina and I am in New Jersey but our hearts will be bound together forever.  I wish you a day filled with love and happiness.  I hope that all of your dreams come true.   Happy Birthday Baby!  It is “you and me kid”.

Have a ThirtyOne-derful day!