The month of May is filled with lots of celebrations. We go from my birthday, to Mother’s Day, to our wedding anniversary to my anniversary in recovery! This year, each one has brought a realization of how blessed I am to have been given a second chance.
A second chance to become the person God intended for me to be. A chance to grow, to learn to like myself and to embrace the here and now. A chance to have strong healthy relationships with the important people in my life. A second chance at life!
WE HAVE 4 YEARS! Four years ago, I was a hot mess on the verge of losing my hubby with a mound of credit card debt. I had a victim mentality while I isolated feeling less than everyone else. I was broken emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Appearing confident (often cocky) on the outside while hiding a scared child on the inside. I had walked this road before and relapse is now a part of my story. I let down my family, my friends but most of all I let myself down. The strong confident person was gone. What was left was a broken, shell of my former self. Sadly, I didn’t notice it – I thought I hid it well. I blamed everyone else for what was wrong in my life when the only one who was to blame was me.
Four years later, I am blessed. I have a new sponsor, a new home group, I am working the steps and I attend meetings regularly. Today, the credit card debt is paid off. Today, I have a local network of women in recovery. Today, I accept I am an introvert but it does not mean I need to isolate. In fact stepping out of my comfort zone is important. Today, I know my ride & die gals who were with me the first night 4 years ago are just a phone call away. Just for today, I like myself. Today, I don’t beat myself up over the “stuck number on the scale” or how I think “I should look”. Today, I don’t apologize for things I have no control over. Today, I set boundaries so I can maintain my mental health. Today, I willing seek out guidance from others who have walked this road before me. I know if I don’t put my recovery first, I will not continue to have the blessed life I live today.
Yes, MS kicks my butt BUT it is not an excuse to go back to those old destructive behaviors. Living life on life’s terms is not always easy but WE do recovery together. The program works when I am willing to work the steps, am open-minded, willing to listen to suggestions AND am honest with myself and others.
Some days, I am unable to feel anything but sadness (MS seems to play with my emotions as it takes my memories). I struggle to remember how bad it was. Not just this time but the first time (my first clean date was 10/26/91). Hubby often says, God took the memories because it was too unbearable for me to remember. God continues to give me glimpses but when it becomes too overwhelming, they quickly fade. So instead of struggling to remember, I try each day to be a better person than I was yesterday. Does it always work? NOPE! I know with God’s help, it will. I continue to go to meetings – I need to hear the struggles, I need to share my blind faith, I need to be surrounded by people who have been where I have been and I need to remember “never” should not be part of my vocabulary.
JUST FOR TODAY: My strongest desire is to have a spiritual awakening. I will watch for its symptoms and rejoice when I discover them.
Thank you to everyone who has walked these many roads with us. We are grateful for the part you have played and continued to play in our lives.