Unclutter Your Life

How Often Do You Say “I’m Sorry”?

16142225_10158214267640220_190293698090786954_nI have to be honest, I never really thought about how often I say this word, until someone flat out asked me “What are you sorry for?”  The truth was, I didn’t know why.  It had become a habit over the years as I dealt with my Adjustment Disorder and became a “people pleaser“.  I’m not talking about when you are truly sorry for something YOU did;  I’m talking about when we apologize for things we had no control over.  Be honest, I am not alone, right?

I started observing people around me and I noticed the word “sorry” is thrown around like wildfire, for the littlest things. But why do we do it?

As you can guess, women are more prone to over-apologizing than men. There are actually some valid reasons according to researchers.  The main reason is women are more attuned to other people’s feelings which leads us to apologize for circumstances out of our control.

If you feel like you are saying sorry too much and don’t know why, here are some tips I am using to help me stop!

#1 – Are you avoiding conflict?

Do you find yourself apologizing for not liking someone else’s point of view?  Are you worried the other person may be upset by your point of view so you instantly apologize?  Everyone is absolutely entitled to their own opinion and there is NO need to apologize.   

The proverbial people pleaser in me wants everyone to be happy.  Is it going to happen? NO!!! I have been practicing embracing my point of view and attempting to have an invigorating discussion. Since dealing with the memory issues of MS, these kinds of discussions are a struggle but debating on topics which interest me seem to stir the cobwebs which is a good thing.

I am big on writing, as if you couldn’t tell, so I have started writing down the answers to these three questions about saying sorry so much: #1 What is making me say sorry?; #2 – Why?; and #3 – Where does it keep happening?. Then I can figure out how to fix it?  This gives us a pattern so we can change our actions.

#2 Do you have self-image issues?

When I share my past and how I have struggled with a poor self-image for years people are shocked.  Despite years of counseling and life changes, those inner gremlins hide for awhile but they are never really gone forever.  Believe it or not, sometimes when we say sorry, it is a reflection on how we view ourself. OUCH!!

The more confidence we have in ourself, the more confidence we have in what comes out of our mouth.  When I am feeling confident, sorry is seldom a word I say EXCEPT when it is actually something I did and need to apologize for.  I have not found a magic wand to wave for instant confidence or believe me, I would be sharing it with everyone.   Working on your confidence and self-image will naturally stop you from apologizing for everything.  Take it from one who knows.

#3 Do words fly out faster than you think?

If you find yourself over-apologizing, try to figure out whether you actually did something (or said something) wrong.  If you are like me, words fly out of your mouth faster than you think.  The old saying “open mouth, insert foot” was written for me.  I am trying to step back,  slow down my thoughts and think before I say something.  I know, it is easier said than done sometimes.  What often happens is the way I express the thoughts instead of the actual words.  Something I meant as a joke, others take seriously.  Something I say seriously, others laugh out.  You get the picture, right?

If saying sorry has become second nature and is easily said – STOP yourself before the word comes out of your mouth.  Consider if what you are saying sorry for is actually something you need to say at all.  I admit, it will be difficult in the beginning, but it will come with time.

Remember, you are not alone, LOADS of people are like you. Myself included. The main thing is you deserve better, but you shouldn’t beat yourself up over it either.  We usually feel worse after, right?  I have been told for years I am my own worse enemy so it is time for us to join together to combat the need to say sorry?

I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject….

Have a ThirtyOne-derful day!

 

Business Tips and Tricks, Hope Wissel, Unclutter Your Life

Inner CRAP

This past Saturday, I was invited to be a vendor at a Woman’s Pampering Event at a local church.  An AWESOME concept that combined women business owners with a morning of networking. Not an unusual, right? The best part was the speaker who touched us all with her story and the praise team songs.  It was just what I needed as I am getting ready to start on what for me is an intense commitment to my business.

I remembered seeing a this in a recent blog: When you are ready, you will know.  

Change is a funny thing.  Although I embrace it, I also tend to let the excuses take over and as a result run from it.  The truth is that when I am ready to run it is usually because my inner crap comes to the surface and lingers until I address it.

De-cluttering your inner crap can be difficult if you have no idea where to start. So I’ve found 4 easy to understand classifications:

C: Conflicts

This is when you question what you think you know about success. You may say to yourself: Shouldn’t I be further along than I already am?  I am doing everything I’m supposed to be doing but I still don’t see results. Why?

This is the comparison game.  This is when you question whether or not you are in the right business?  My new mantra when this hits is: I am exactly where I need to be and I will define success to my own standards.

R: Resistance

This is the excuse phase.  This is when you may say to yourself:  I can’t do this because I have “obligations.”  I’m not good at [fill in the blanks].  

Maybe you know it as Negative Nellie or Doubtful Debbie.  Turn the negative into a positive: Whatever I don’t know I will figure out.

A: Assumptions

This is when you base decisions on emotions or wrong information. You may say to yourself: I need to build my brand/business “this way” because so/so does it that way.  I know what my audience wants even though I didn’t do any market research.

Due to my inner “crap”, I have jumped on the bandwagon of many training programs.  Seeking to find the ONE.  The truth is that despite lots of money spent, I have based my decision on emotions (doubt and fear).  I have tried to fit into the mold that others think I should be….Instead try: My brand + business is a work in progress and that’s OK.

P: Projections

This is when you put your own ‘ish onto other people. You may say to others: You’re doing it wrong.  You’re not going to succeed doing it that way.

My projections are more like “pre-jedgements” on whether or not people will like my products, my party style, the business opportunity or better yet ME!  When people decide to go with another company or another consultant, I doubt myself and my abilities.  I am not alone, right?  Instead try: There’s room for everyone to thrive doing it their own way.

Success is an inside job so take some time to tackle whatever inner crap you may have so that you can clear to space for AWESOME to happen.

Have a ThirtyOne-derful day!

#believe #crap #NegativeNellie #DoubtfulDebbie #change #partywithHope #projections #assumptions #conflict #resistance

 

Hope Wissel, Relax, Reflect, Recharge

Growing Pains

No, this is not a blog about the 70’s sitcom.  It is actually about a God moment that I had during church.  The sermon in a sentence was: If you are going to grow, the ministry MUST be shared.  WOW!  I thought this was a message just for me – a personal smack in the head from God!  On the surface, I am good with change but deep down in my core – I don’t like it.  I mean who does, right?

Pastor Al shared this “people in our lives are making our parachutes, God puts them there for a reason and sometimes only for a season”.  He was talking about all of the changes that took place in our church over the last several months.  Change is good, it shakes things up and gives us a new perspective on life.  With growth sometimes comes conflict, it is inevitable.  So here are some tips on dealing with conflict that I am going to apply to my business and personal life.

Here is what NOT to do when there is a conflict:

  1. Don’t play the BLAME game.  GUILTY!  When there is conflict, I have found myself talking (venting) to other Directors, family and friends about the situation – blaming the other person without taking responsibility for my part in the conflict.
  2. Don’t be part of the “team split”.  As my team grows, there is going to be a natural team split – in a good way.  To squash conflict – don’t feed into the team split with the “blame game” or “I am going to take my ball and go home attitude”.  Don’t make team members take sides.
  3. Don’t try to stop the growth.  Growth is good!  Don’t try to slow it down by not recruiting or sharing your companies opportunity with others.
  4. Don’t lose focus.  Remember your personal “WHY” and what your personal goals are instead of focusing on the conflict.  God has a plan for you, personally and professionally, so do not let others steer you off course.
  5. Don’t overlook the needs of others.  Leaders lead differently.  Some team members may be attracted to the style of others which is different from yours.  Does that mean your aren’t a good leader?  CELEBRATE – ENCOURAGE – REWARD everyone despite the conflict.  WOW!  This was a double smack because I tend to take things personally!

Here is what you should do:

  1. Reaffirm your calling.  What is God’s plan for you?  Are you willing to forgo his plan while you “sit on the pity pot” during a conflict.
  2. Affirm the value of everyone even the negative Nellies on your team.  They are your team for a reason – it may be help them or it may be the sandpaper that you need to help YOU grow.  Everyone matters.
  3. Finally, attack the problem rather than each other.  Determine what the problem is and work to find a solution to the problem.

Thank you God for using Pastor Al to get my attention.  This is an area that I need to work on and these are some great tips.  I know that the original message was meant for the members of the congregation but it definitely hit home with me.  Are you suffering from GROWING PAINS – professionally or personally?  We would love to hear from you.

Have a ThirtyOne-derful day!