Throwback: Loving Yourself When Your Too….

This post first appeared on June 30th, 2016…

“It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.” ~Henry David Thoreau

Last week, I had an AHA moment.  A moment when the brain fog lifted and I realized I had to stop making excuses for why a few (okay, 20) pounds were back.  Yes, I could blame health issues.  The truth was I was slowly slipping back into old habits I had BEFORE I lost 100 pounds.

Yup, me and my cutie of a daughter (she hates this picture). It is REALLY old but the truth is there aren’t many pictures of me when I was heavy.

Back to the AHA moment….I needed to take control of what I could control – my eating. I was repeatedly complaining about “gaining” or not losing weight as hubby’s weight kept going down.  The truth was, he was eating healthier and I was secretly eating junk! Okay, so the truth is out, now I have to be accountable.

I wanted the capris which fit so good over the last 2 summers to again fit.  I wanted the jiggle in my thighs to be gone.  I wanted the puffiness in my face to be gone.  There was no magic wand but there was the proverbial SMACK on the head which made me realize what I needed to do.  It was at the moment I opened my email to find an online special from Weight Watchers.  I didn’t delete it, I just let it sit in my inbox.  After a lot of prayer and thought, I did it!  I signed up again.

It was time for me to stop beating myself up and take some of my own advice…

1. Stop comparing.

Hubby loves me not matter what – I mean when we got together, I was on the weightless journey.  Over the last two years as I struggled with health issues, I was constantly comparing myself to others. I felt inferior because I hadn’t stuck to the program.

Once you stop comparing, you realize you will always be too fat, too skinny, too tall, too this when you compare yourself to others.  The comparison game will kill your dreams before you even start. Know you are exactly what you’re supposed to be—one of a kind and beautiful.

2. Change the way you see.

Have you had experiences where people you told you how pretty (or nice you look) BUT you thought you were unattractive? I have.  Where you say “thank you” and add “but I have….” negating their compliment.

Dr. Wayne Dyer often said, “When you change the way you look at things, things you look at change.” I know this is true because I often experience it in my life.

Focus on what is wonderful about you, whether it’s your kindness, generosity, or thoughtfulness.  When you focus on the internal features, the external features seem to start to sparkle with radiance.  It’s not that you changed—your perception did.

3. Change your thoughts.

How many times have you looked at a picture or a video of yourself and a barrage of negative self-talk dominated your thoughts? Those inner gremlins start to take over and before long they are in control.

How sad it would be if we allowed those negative voices to stop us from offering what we have to give: our knowledge, ideas, voice, gifts, our love, and more? We would be withholding these things from people who might need and benefit from them.

My Fierce Cheerleader and Abundance Coach, Eryka Peskin, has taught me how to celebrate those negative things so they no longer have control over my life.  Try it.  Step back and reframe those negatives into a positive.

You have so much to give (even if you feel like you don’t): your unique gifts, your experience, courage, ingenuity, creativity, and so much more. Don’t let the negative voices stop you from sharing what you have. The world (your neighbors, your friends, your grandma, or whatever your world may be) needs it.

The truth is, there will always be someone or some people who will find you undesirable or unlovable, but the world is also full of people who will feel the opposite.

Ultimately, the deeper truth you have to find within yourself is this: If no one loves me, will I love myself?  YES, I will love myself.

In the moments when I don’t like what I see in the mirror, I make a choice. I make a choice to give myself total acceptance and love for all that I am: the good, the ugly, and the bad.

Will you make the choice to love yourself when you’re too short, too tall, too fat, and too skinny?

Have a ThirtyOne-derful day!

 

 

Growing Your Business Online

Over the last three months, I have seen a change in my business.  After talking to other direct sellers, a lot are seeing the same thing.  Many in direct sales are seeing their business move to more online sales/ parties and less “home parties”.  I LOVE home parties.  I love connecting with women and getting to know them.  I love seeing them smile as they spend time with friends, reconnect and relax.  That is what makes me smile. So I need to learn how to do the same thing online.  Is it possible???

You can imagine how I struggled when I found my calendar empty with the exception of some Facebook/ online parties and a few vendors events.  Those inner gremlins began to jump for joy as they saw the perfect opportunity to play the “negative” mantras and the comparison game.  It was tough squashing them but I had to give it a try.

I went on the hunt to find new ways to connect with people on Facebook or to engage my customer base from the last 6 1/2 years.  I knew it wasn’t going to be easy.  I knew I would try things which would flop while other things would be a success.  I was willing to commit to it because I wanted to continue working my business full-time and make a difference in the lives of others.  Even tougher because I am a little tech challenged.

I tried Facebook parties before.  Some were successful while others flopped.  I looked at the differences.  Hostess coaching played a huge factor in those which were successful. Hostesses who wanted to earn FREE product and were willing to at least do a little bit to help make the party a success.  Flops were usually associated with no participation from the hostess or I was using other people’s scripts and not making them mine.  Admit it, you have done the same thing!

I looked for people who were successful in running their direct sales business solely online.  I looked for tips and tricks from other direct sellers.  I was bound and determined to make it work.  Here is actually a blog post I wrote almost 4 years ago which talks about this exact subject:

As Jason Dorsey says – you need to communicate with different people differently.  In Inc. Magazine there was an article on “4 Tips for Using Social Media to Sell“.  I love that Matt Heinz talks about “social selling” instead of “social media”.  Here is a link to his book “Successful Social Selling”  Here are the 4 key principles shared in the article:

1. Getting more “followers’ in not a goal.  “There is no connection between the number of followers or likes and your amount of sales.”  So true!  I have been doing this through my blog but now I have ventured into the social media realm to do the same thing.  Sharing products and information by offering people an opportunity to experience Thirty One products without the HARD sell.
2. Connection is not engagement.  Selling comes from interaction and not just pushing my message or expertise.  I am learning to respond to each person who comments on a post, especially the engagement ones.  You need to INTERACT with people to build a relationship with them whether online or in person.   
3. Buyers signal by declaring problems.  I am still working on this one. LISTENING for signals when you are face to face is one thing but I find it so much more difficult online.  I worry about giving a “sales pitch” or “being pushy” when I “think” I hear those signals.  
4. You are not in control.  This is so tough for those like to be in control!  “If you tweet, blog, or post about a solution, idea, or product a person doesn’t need, they won’t necessarily connect with you. If you are listening to the social Web and hear someone declare a problem you can solve or a question you can answer, giving you an opportunity to send a relevant response, then you are truly engaging.”

It has only been three months of consistently trying things online and it is working.  I will admit, I stress at the first of the month when the calendar looks light BUT then I get busy.  Over the last 3 months, I have met my personal sales goals and my team has met theirs and almost ALL of us do just do things online.  Consistency is the key.

So, what are your thoughts on social selling ON social media?  If you use Social Meda, what platforms do you use and are they creating business opportunities for you?  Please share your thoughts…. Have a ThirtyOne-derful day.

Assert Yourself…

What do you think of when you think of someone who is “assertive”? Assertion is simply expressing yourself in a honest, straightforward way which helps you get what you need.  It shows respect for yourself and others.  So, why do we have such a hard time with it?  Why does it have such a negative connotation?

This was a recent topic at my Weight Watcher‘s meeting.  This people pleaser tends to have a hard time with being assertive when it comes to anything but food.  I can easily tell you what food I can and can’t have but when it comes to anything else – I am as timid as a church mouse not wanting to hurt other’s feelings.  I rocked being assertive when I was early in my recovery then somewhere along the lines, those nasty inner gremlins creeped in again.

Being assertive is not being aggressive although we tend to lump the two of them together.  We worry when we assert ourselves people won’t like us.  We allow others needs to outweigh our own (those people pleasing gremlins).  Honestly, I think this is a skill (yes, it is a skill) I never really learned.  The reality is, once you master being assertive in an effective way, you will be able to let go of the fear of coming on too strong.

Think about situations where you wish you would have been assertive.  Maybe it was saying “no” to a piece of cake or to adding another thing on your to do list.  Maybe it was simply making time for YOU in the course of a crazy busy day or week.  For me, it is usually about putting everyone and everything before what I would like.  Yup, the proverbial people pleaser.

Being able to respectfully but firmly express feelings and ask for support helps us in so many ways – staying on plan to reach our weight loss goal, overcoming an eating disorder, finding time to exercise, building our business or beating an addiction.  When we learn how to advocate for ourselves and NOT put others’ needs and feelings first, we are more in control of our lives.  We are in a better position to reach our goals, whatever they may be.

I love the DESC model (now I just need to practice it) when it comes to asking for support, or getting someone to stop (or start) something or simply asking what you need.

DESCRIBE: 

First, you need to describe the behavior you want changed.  For example “You watch TV and I have to do the dishes after dinner so I don’t have time to get in a walk”.  What is the behavior you would like someone in your life to change?

EXPLAIN:

Now you need to explain the effect this behavior is having on you.  Okay, here is where I either get emotional or worry about saying the wrong thing.  For example, “I end up not getting in my walk most days of the week”.  Short and sweet.  No need for a lang drawn out explanation.  “Just the facts Dano”…. am I showing my age?  LOL.

SPECIFY:

Now is the big step….specify what you want or need to get the behavior to change.  This is where you ask for what you want.  Not demand but present a possible solution.  For example, “Would you please do the dishes Monday, Wednesday and Friday after dinner so I can walk for 20 minutes?”.  Seems harmless right?  If you don’t ask, you will never know what the other person is thinking.  Unfortunately (or fortunately) mind reading is not in our genes.

CONSEQUENCES:

Clearly state the consequences for you or how it is going to help you.  This is when I have to overcome the inner gremlin which says “you are selfish” or “it’s all about you”.  For example, “I’ll be able to walk three more times than usual and it’ll help me reach my FitPoints goal”.

My challenge to you this week is to identify a situation where being more assertive could help you get what you need then use the DESC model to practice being assertive.  

Thank you Weight Watchers for this lesson which can be applied to all areas of our lives.  Would love to hear how it went, share your success or your challenge with us.

Have a ThirtyOne-derful day!

 

 

You Can STOP the Bullying Self-Talk

I have been reflecting on last week’s Thirty One Conference.  From the first speaker, John Fleming at Director’s Day through to the last, Shelene Bryan – it seemed like they were talking to ME!   Doubt and fear has plaques me over the last year or so – in my business, in my personal life and in my faith.  Their words touched my soul and I came home with a new set of tools to fight the bully in my life.

Did you know that everyday, you chat with yourself!  Some may say… NO, I don’t talk to myself BUT the truth is that we do.  Our ‘inner gremlins” are those NAGGY, BULLYING voices that you use to ‘TALK’ to yourself and the harsh, mean tone you use.

Admit it!  You can be flying along having a great day and them WHAM! You find you’ve made a mistake! Or maybe you “forgot” to do something. Or maybe you went off your diet.  Whatever it is – those bullying voices start to creep in.  When the voices grow louder, do they start calling you negative names?

Some can kick them to the curb and keep going on the positive route.  Then there are others who may not close the door totally on those little voices.  Maybe they shout when you least expect it –

YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT!

Those voices are disastrous to your self-confidence when they hit you up on a daily basis.  Those voices CHIP AWAY at your confidence, little by little, and before long you start to believe what they say. Doubt sets in. Fear begins to rule.  Those voices are ECHOES OF THE PAST..words uttered by others in your life when you were a child.

I know, maybe you can’t remember things like that ever being said.  Maybe you tucked them away…. BUT those “inner gremlins” are still lurking in the background in the hopes that you will begin to believe them as an adult.

WHAT CAN YOU DO TO STOP THE BULLYS?

Only YOU can take control and kill the chatter. You have the power and ability to change your thoughts and shut down the sound of your bullying voices! Once you’ve reached a point of ‘enough is enough’ negative self-talk, bored feeling like you’re NEVER GOOD ENOUGH and ready to move past it, you can take action and reshape your voices into more encouraging ones!

Only when you do this can you build your confidence in yourself, eliminating FEAR and BELIEVE you can FLY!

Here’s 3 simple ways to SHUT THEM DOWN!

UNDERSTAND

Listen to your voices, listen to how they ‘talk’ to you and especially take note to when your negative chitter chatter gets louder. Do they get louder when

You make a mistake?
You forget to do something? or
You blow your top at someone?

Pay close attention the triggers or what flips the switch into your dismissive voices!

CHALLENGE

When the triggers are switched on, the voices get loud, listen to what they’re saying ..

You’re such a screw-up!
You can’t do anything right! or
Boy, that was a stupid move!

Without hesitation, challenge those statements or ideas with the TRUTH.

Really, you’ve got to be kidding, that’s definitely not true!
Everyone makes mistakes, I learned from it and it’s okay or
Next time I will plan better.

The real truth, of course, is no one messes up CONSTANTLY!

TURN THEM AROUND

When your voices start to bully you, make you want to shrink into a hole and hide, shut them down immediately by responding back with positive messages.

Wow, that’s definitely not true, look at all I’ve accomplished.
Mistakes happen to all of us.
I do my best.
I’m okay with that.

The more you kick the bullying voices to the curb and squash them with positive talk, the more power you build within yourself.

IT’S NOT A QUICK FIX.

No, you won’t go to bed one night and miraculously wake up the next day with all your confidence back.  Step by step, smashing the nagging, mean voices and calling their bluff right away WILL result in a more powerful, self-confident YOU!

“If you wouldn’t say those things to someone else you love, why are you saying them to yourself?” – Elaina Marie

How do you stop those nasty bullying voices? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below.

 

Loving Yourself When You’re Too…..

“It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.” ~Henry David Thoreau

Last week, I had an AHA moment.  A moment when the brain fog lifted and I realized that I had to stop making excuses for why a few (okay, 20) pounds were back.  Yes, I could blame health issues.  The truth was that I was slowly slipping back into old habits that I had BEFORE I lost 100 pounds.

Yup, that’s me and my cutie of a daughter.  Mind you that picture is REALLY old but the truth is that there aren’t many pictures of me when I was heavy.

Back to the AHA moment….I needed to take control of what I could control – my eating.  I was repeatedly complaining about “gaining” or not losing weight as hubby’s weight kept going down.  The truth was, he was eating healthier and I was secretly eating junk!  Okay, so the truth is out, now I have to be accountable.

I wanted the capris that had fit so good over the last 2 summers to again fit.  I wanted the jiggle in my thighs to be gone.  I wanted the puffiness in my face to be gone.  There was no magic wand but there was that proverbial SMACK on the  head that made me realize what I needed to do.  It was at the moment that I opened my email to find an online special from Weight Watchers.  I didn’t delete it, I just let it sit in my inbox.  After a lot of prayer and thought, I did it!  I signed up again.

It was time for me to stop beating myself up and take some of my own advice…

1. Stop comparing.

Hubby loves me not matter what – I mean when we got together, I was on the weightless journey.  Over the last two years as I struggled with health issues, I was constantly comparing myself to others. I felt inferior because I hadn’t stuck to the program.

Once you stop comparing, you realize that you will always be too fat, too skinny, too tall, too this when you compare yourself to others.  The comparison game will kill your dreams before you even start. Know that you are exactly what you’re supposed to be—one of a kind and beautiful.

2. Change the way you see.

Have you had experiences where people you told you how pretty (or nice you look) BUT you thought you were unattractive? I have.  Where you say “thank you” and add “but I have….” negating their compliment.

Dr. Wayne Dyer often said, “When you change the way you look at things, things you look at change.” I know this is true because I often experience it in my life.

Focus on what is wonderful about you, whether it’s your kindness, generosity, or thoughtfulness.  When you focus on the internal features, the external features seem to start to sparkle with radiance.  It’s not that you changed—your perception did.

3. Change your thoughts.

How many times have you looked at a picture or a video of yourself and a barrage of negative self-talk dominated your thoughts? Those inner gremlins start to take over and before long they are in control.

How sad it would be if we allowed those negative voices to stop us from offering what we have to give: our knowledge, ideas, voice, gifts, our love, and more? We would be withholding these things from people who might need and benefit from them.

My Fierce Cheerleader and Abundance Coach, Eryka Peskin, has taught me how to celebrate those negative things so they no longer have control over my life.  Try it.  Step back and reframe those negatives into a positive.

You have so much to give (even if you feel like you don’t): your unique gifts, your experience, courage, ingenuity, creativity, and so much more. Don’t let the negative voices stop you from sharing what you have. The world (your neighbors, your friends, your grandma, or whatever your world may be) needs it.

The truth is, there will always be someone or some people who will find you undesirable or unlovable, but the world is also full of people who will feel the opposite.

Ultimately, the deeper truth you have to find within yourself is this: If no one loves me, will I love myself?  YES, I will love myself.

In the moments when I don’t like what I see in the mirror, I make a choice. I make a choice to give myself total acceptance and love for all that I am: the good, the ugly, and the bad.

Will you make the choice to love yourself when you’re too short, too tall, too fat, and too skinny?

Have a ThirtyOne-derful day!