I don’t know about you but the more time I spend with me, the more the “past” haunts me. During these “stay at home” times, most nights I’m by myself since hubby is an essential employee. Despite my best efforts, the inner gremlins of the past creep in. I think about those I have hurt. I think about the “woulda, coulda, shoulda” things. I think about “what if”. Not always a good place for a recovering addict.
I love this simple message:
“Don’t Stumble On Things That Are Behind You.”
I thought hard about this seemingly simple directive about a habit which trips so many of us up: looking back. Allowing the past to deter and diminish our present and our future.
I had an “epiphany” last night. As I was thanking God for the blessings of the day and asking for his guidance, I realized I had again substituted one thing for another. My addiction had shown up in an unlikely spot – not really unlikely for me. Showing up in unlikely places is not uncommon for addicts if we don’t keep things in check. No, I didn’t have thoughts of using drugs or drinking. No, I didn’t go on a shopping spree. I was eating “junk food” and hiding it. Crazy, right?
I thought about the went last 5 days hubby had worked. I went to pick up some groceries and here is what happened.
- I stopped to Dunkin for my iced green tea. It was Friday so I got a “free” donut”. I was out a second time on Friday to pick up Baby’s medicine. Stopped at Dunkin again and got another “free” donut.
- Went to Aldi’s for some fresh fruit and fresh veggies – a good thing, right? They had Cadbury mini eggs on sale. I have been obsessing over them for a week so I bought a whole bag along with a bag of Robin’s Eggs.
- Stopped to Wawa and picked up bottles of Wawa diet tea. Not very healthy because of all of the artificial sweeteners.
- Had to stop myself yesterday from going out just to get a Dunkin tea and a donut.
Each time I go on a shopping run, I end up buying something I normally would not eat or drink. WHY??? I want what I want when I want it. LOL. The crazy part is I was hiding all of this stuff from hubby. I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal BUT it is how it starts, right? Substitute one thing for another and keeping secrets.
I know I am only as sick as my secrets so I am letting them into the light….I’m sharing it publicly as a way to be accountable. As harmless as it may seem to someone, it is the start of the spiral. I beat myself up. I start to justify things with “I haven’t gained any weight”, or “it is stress eating” or when this is over I will do better. The truth is by then it will be too late…..the weight will be back and I will be miserable. I have been riding the stationary bike every day for at least 20 minutes which has helped to keep me from gaining weight BUT it doesn’t justify the sneak eating. This is an old behavior from my days of being a bulimic – the only difference is, I’m not purging.
I know I’m not alone….finding things to keep us busy and out of our heads can be tough. I have been creating angels, reading, sewing and cleaning out closets. I have been doing at least one video meeting a day – over the weekend it was 3 meetings a day. WHY? Because I know when I hear what others share, I am out of my head and I know I am not alone.
Today I am giving myself grace – it meets us in the asking for strength from our Higher Power. Because of this I can move forward (and so can you) in His grace. Even when life is complicated and messy.
It’s not about locking things in a secret compartment of your heart. When we turn things over, no matter how insignificant it may seem to our Higher Power, He can give us the rest we long for. Healing for our heart wounds.
The reward of faith is freedom in our Higher Power. With this faith, the past has no hold on us. Grace fixes our gaze forward.
So the next time I’m tempted to beat myself up because of a mistake, I will turn things over to my Higher Power and choose not to beat myself up, not to re-hash a painful conversation, not to blame another person … not to stumble on things behind me.
Instead I will reach for grace. I will reach for my Higher Power and call to Him for help.
This seems like a jumble of thoughts but I need to be accountable. Are you struggling with keeping away from the “junk food”? What are your best tips? Share them with us..
Have a blessed day!