You are a diamond created by the crushing, pressing fires in life… in other words the journey.
I am no working on my 4th step which is “We made a searching and fearless morale inventory of ourselves” which is pretty damn scary. It means reflecting back on my resentments and the part I actually played in certain situations. I am reminded every day, this is to the best of my ability because my memory definitely falls short. It is a process and in order to get to the other side, I need to walk through this step.
:I will admit there are days when I look back at what used to be and wish life was different. I have even envied others who didn’t have an addiction or a disability. What? I know I can’t change the past and dwelling on it will not change the journey I am on. I know I shouldn’t think like this but thoughts happen. Some days in my head can be kinda scary. I can think of some crazy ideas and have some equally wild woe-is-me moments. Then there are days when I can’t remember anything from the past which I think is God’s way of keeping me at peace.
I’m not going to lie and say I’ve never wanted things to be different, because I have. Those thoughts seem to appear most when the struggle is at its worst. I don’t like feeling that way, but it happens. That’s just me being real.
I could let my addiction or my multiple sclerosis sour my life. I could let it cause me to become as miserable as my body feels with thoughts of what used to be and what could have been, or I could spend each day trying to become a better person. I can vaguely remember spending countless hours working on self-development – trying to change me especially where my business was concerned. The truth was I needed to rid myself of the inner gremlins which have been haunting me for years instead of just stuffing them behind a locked door. Sometimes the learning process was hard and it still is, but the lessons I have learned along the way are invaluable. I am learning asking for help is not the sign of weakness I always thought it was – it is a sign of strength. The ability to admit when we don’t know something or need help is a gift because it allows others to share with us their strength, hope and experiences.
One thing being back in recovery has taught me is to be thankful. I’m even thankful for the MS. Many people won’t have the opportunity to get through today; like the addict who will take their last drug. That is enough to make me appreciate everything I have, whether it’s pain, the inability to do something, or the lack of memories MS and addiction can throw my way. I’m thankful through it all.
Fear is real but I can overcome anything if I am willing to let go and let God. I can’t do any of this on my own – I need other addicts to walk me through recovery and I need others with MS to show me how they cope each and every day. On those bad days, I take my day and break it up into tiny chunks. Someone told me recently it’s easy to eat an elephant. STOP! No haters – Not a real elephant, but a giant obstacle you are facing. Do it one bite at a time. One step at a time which is why they are in a certain order. So I break my day up…one bite at a time. I may find things hard to swallow at times, but when I keep at it I find I’m able to get through it. That impossible elephant suddenly becomes possible.
Having a dual disability (MS and addiction) has prepared me for the rest of my life. It has given me a better perspective on what’s really important. That highly successful career I held on to for way too long, wanting a big house, craving a fancy car, and lots of material things – they are no longer a focus for me. I wonder why so many of us strive all our lives for stuff and titles? Those things don’t matter in the end. What matters is loving people and knowing you are loved. Everything could be stripped from me and I know I would make it. Okay, so I am still working on this BUT I know God would provide. Some days I wonder if other people could get through even one hour of what we with disabilities face, let alone a full day.
Living with a dual disability gave me an advantage over the rest of the world. In essence a second chance. I learning to appreciate the roses and the sunsets as well as the storm clouds and looming tsunamis. I choose to live life on my terms… not how other people think it should be done. It may appear strange to others, but I’m not trying to win an award. I just want to get through each day knowing I did the best I could with what I was given.
Whatever your life’s path…..You’ve got this. Don’t ever doubt your strength or your worth. You are a beautiful diamond. Your journey through your crushing pressing obstacles, and your fire has made you the AMAZING person you are. Now’s your time to shine!