How to Maneuver Difficult Converations

Woohoo Wednesday is all about how to grow personally which will help us to grow professionally whether you are a business owner or not.

Think about the most successful person you know.  Visualize them?  Got the picture?  Do they have the most talent you have seen?  Did they go to college and have the highest test scores?  Do they have a degree from an Ivy League school?  Or, did they earn their success because of their way with words?

The truth is some of the most successful people are a success because they learned how to talk differently – to others, and to themselves.  They conquered the toughest skill of all –  the art of navigating a difficult conversation.  Do they sweat or worry? Or do they effortlessly talk about topics which would utterly stress you (and others) out?  I am in awe how they manage to maneuver through these mine fields without even a scratch.

I wondered how they did it so I went on a hunt to see if I could find out….

Here are six things successful people do differently when they have something hard to say.

Consider what conversation you need to have and

1. Plan it out.

Think about the outcome you want from the conversation. Then stay focused so you don’t get distracted by emotions. This is the tough part for me.  I tend to cry at the drop of a hat – not good in difficult conversations.  Write your key points. Decide how you want to say them. How do you want to end the conversation?

2. Have compassion.

Speak with respect and kindness. See it from the other side, not just your own. Remember it is not all about you.  What do they want? What are they feeling? Acknowledge those things. Hard conversations don’t have to be ugly as long as you are being compassionate when telling the truth.

3. Get it over with.

When you need to have tough discussions, do you delay them?  It is the worse thing to do.  The longer you wait, the more stress.  When you stress and wait, all of these tips are useless.  Have the conversation because when you do, you will be able to bless and release.

4. Talk more than you type.

How often would you rather hide behind a keyboard then have the difficult conversation?  This is not the way to approach a difficult conversation.  WHY?  because it is important to have the back-and-forth interaction, sense the tone of the voices, and see the body language.  These are things you can’t convey in texts or emails.   Have a face to face (or phone conversation if in-person isn’t realistic) conversation.

5. Know listening is a form of speaking.

Listening is key to any conversation but letting others feel like they are being heard is extremely important in difficult conversations.  People can see their value in your eyes when you are listening.  I’m not saying to skirt around the points you want to make, just be sure to listen, too.  What did our mothers always say?  God gave us two ears and one mouth so we could listen MORE and talk less.

6. Question your fear.

FEAR!  It stops us dead in tracks most most of the time.  Having tough conversations is not different.  Fear usually keeps up from moving forward on so many things.  It is not a stop sign. It does not mean we should not move forward.  Use the PAUSE as an opportunity to question your fear.  What are you afraid will happen if you have this conversation? How will you handle the reaction or response?  How can you have the conversation without having an unwanted outcome?  Face the fear and refuse to allow it to silence you by making a plan to deal with it.

So, who are you afraid to have a difficult conversation with?  What are the key points you want to say and how do you want the conversation to end?  Share with us and we will help you fight the fear…

Thank you Valerie Burton for these tips.  Have a ThirtyOne-derful day!

 

What is Your Favorite Wellness Tip?

I have spent the last month faithfully going to Weight Watchers, measuring what I eat and sticking to the Candida Diet to detox my body.  I still have a ways to go but I am thrilled with the results. Each day feeling a little bit better.

Recently, I was on an Zoom call with Amber Annette and Desiree where Amber talked to me about how consistency equaled confidence and success.  We talked about the importance of positive mantras every day.   I started spending every morning (about 5 minutes) reading over my mantras and then visualizing my goal. It has set a tone for my day.

While doing all of this, I have found some really good (interesting) wellness tips online.  I hope you enjoy and possibly put to practice some of these life changing wellness tips.  We know the importance of water, sleep and exercise but you may be surprised at some and find a handful of new ideas.

1. Balance. Taking the time to give equal energy to all aspects of your life.

2. Loving yourself, taking care of your body, and appreciating everything around you.

3. Fresh air, sunshine and smiling

4. Use Shea butter on your skin to keep them soft and smooth esp during winter –

5. Love and respect to everyone and around you as well as yourself!

6. Don’t ever deprive your body of anything. If it wants something, give it in moderation. Wellness is about working to be the best version of yourself and embracing yourself wholly for all you are

7. Ground yourself every day (find which method works best for you, whether it’s yoga or meditation or tai chi, etc.)…then imagine white light surrounding you and dissolving the energy cords and negative thoughts and chatter clogging your being so you can glow andSHINE ON!

8. Stress management in your surrounding is so important. Blaming others inwardly or outwardly only de-energizes us. Notice your thought patterns today. Are they of acceptance or judgement? Eliminating all drama can help immensely.

9. Start your morning off with 2 TBSP of coconut vinegar, a bit of coconut nectar, and 4-8oz of warm filtered water to help your stomach acidity. Then take a probiotic because it is best absorbed after vinegar. Anyone ever try this or have a similar morning drink?

10.  Morning lemon juice with water water or apple cider vinegar on a empty stomach + at least 5 mins of morning grateful-positive affirmations help me inject purpose every day, no matter how hard it might be or how many challenges I have in my life, being grateful even for the little things always helps me push through!  Another alternative is fresh carrot juice.

11. Skin oiling before a shower keeps you grounded and vitalized.

12. Eating fruit on an empty stomach, chaga tea anytime, & dry skin brushing for a healthy lymphatic system.

13. Listen to your body and live a life of balance (in spiritual, emotional, and physical aspects). And never underestimate the therapeutic power of giving to others in selfless love and being grateful for what you have

14. 11 minutes of conscious breathing a day. ” if you do not breathe consciously for 11 minutes a day, you lose 40% of the vitality of life… But if you do breathe consciously for 11 minutes a day, you can do exactly what no miracle can do, because our life depends on the breathe of life.” – yogi bhajan

15. Break a sweat at least once a day- good for the body and the mind

16. Surround yourself with those you can laugh with openly. – you know those deep belly laughs.

17. Develop a daily a morning routine consisting of nourishing your mind, body, and spirit and stick to it!

18. Self love is the greatest medicine. when we truly, deeply love ourselves, we will naturally understand how to care for ourselves, mentally, physically and emotionally. Listen to your body & your gut brain!

19. Dandelion root! Best for acne, and great hangover prevention tool.

20. Make sure to do at least one good thing for yourself everyday. It can be as small as drinking enough water, a workout, going to bed early, and eating well.

21. Epsom salt + baking soda in a hot bath with your favorite essential oils

22. See light in every situation and not allowing negativity in

23. Eat an avocado a day

24. Keep a positive outlook in life regardless of your circumstances. Healthy food is essential, but few things can compensate for a negative attitude. Gratitude works wonders

25. Strive for 90% good, 10% naughty. And laugh a lot.

What is your BEST wellness tip?

Have a ThirtyOne-derful day!

 

Let Go of the Need to Please

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” ~Brene Brown

It is Wednesday which means it is HUMP Day and Woohoo Wednesday.  It is the day we focus on US!  The things we like, the things we don’t like and the things we want to do better.

How many times have you longed to hear the words “you’re so nice”? Or maybe you wait patiently (okay, impatiently) to see how many likes you will get on a post on Facebook or Instagram.  Admit it, we have all been there some time in our life.

I remember moving to a new neighborhood when I was younger.  The same town but a totally different part where I had to make new friends.  I always felt like I wasn’t pretty enough or good enough or smart enough for the popular crowd.  Sadly, those people pleasing characteristics carried over into adulthood.  Crazy, right?I still have a habit of unconsciously putting a great deal of my energy into people pleasing. I keep the boat steady, navigating carefully so as to not make too many waves.  I dislike conflicts of any kind – mainly because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. It’s in my bones to be a peacekeeper. My comfort zone is melting into the background of things, being an observer.  I don’t want to make waves, cause trouble, or upset anyone.

All of these traits have left most people seeing me as a “nice” person. Have you ever wondered if this is really a compliment.  Is “nice” the legacy I want to leave on this world? Is it what I want to be remembered for someday? That I was “nice”? Actually – No.  Nice is sweet, accommodating and agreeable. Nice is polite. But nice does not describe what I or you believe in. It doesnn’t indicate where our boundaries are.

So what about YOU?  Is “nice” the legacy you want to leave behind?

Or do you want to be remembered as a strong and confident woman. A woman with a sense of grace and integrity.  A woman who is straightforward, authentic and very clear about her boundaries. A women who stands firmly in her own truth. A woman who has little concern about receiving approval or validation from others.  A woman who knows who she is and is completely at ease in her own skin. WOW!  I want to be her, what about you?

We need to be “authentic” and for some it is “the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we are.”  We need to release our  need to please, and replace it with the courage to reveal our real and vulnerable selves.  YIKES!

#1 Reclaim your own authenticity.   To do this, we have to figure out when we are losing sight of it.  Resentment creeps in when I am playing the “people pleaser” role. It’s the first sign I am using too much energy worrying about disappointing others.

#2 What is causing the resentment?  Were you unclear about a boundary? Are you uncomfortable with a situation and you haven’t expressed your feelings to someone? Are you holding back you own feelings to avoid hurting another’s?

I have always loved to write – it is my release when it comes to stomping on the people pleasing characteristics, I tend to write a dialogue with myself. Try finishing these sentences and be specific.

1. I feel resentful because….

2. This means I haven’t been clear about something bothering me. Here is the blurred boundary…….

3. Here’s what’s okay with me….

4. Here’s what is not okay with me….

Believe it or no, when all is said and done my feelings of resentment and anger are not actually directed at another person. They are toward me. I am disappointed in myself for not staying loyal to my own values, for not giving myself the respect I so freely give out to others.

Being authentic takes courage. Learning to wade through the discomfort of setting boundaries takes risk. We risk disapproval. We risk being disliked. But I think the risk is worth it if we ultimately find respect for ourselves.

Are you ready to reclaim your authenticity. Let’s be brave, real and imperfect. Let’s be compassionate, kind and honest. Because really, aren’t these so much better than being “nice”?

Have a ThirtyOne-derful day!

WOMEN ROCK!

Do I have your attention?  When did it become ok for women to put everyone else’s needs first?  Admit it, we all do it.  As a result, we are frustrated, grumpy, tired and not getting anything done on our list.

It happens because we as women wear many hats – wife, mom, daughter, business owner, employee, taxi driver (you know the mom taxi) and the list goes on. It seems everyone needs us.

In order to avoid conflict and not hurt anyone’s feelings we neglect our own needs and put ourselves on the back burner.  This is not emotionally or mentally healthy. Many of us have become a people pleasers.

There are five things you can start doing NOW to make your needs a priority without feeling guilty.

#1 START SAYING NO

Did you know every time someone asks you to do something, you’re not obligated to say yes?  I know a novel concept, right?  You have a right to say no if it’s not something you really want to do. And you don’t owe anyone an explanation, NO is a complete sentence.

We struggle with this because we don’t want to disappoint anyone and we want to keep peace.  The truth is when we say yes every time someone asks us to do something we are saying no to what we want to accomplish. We get stuck when we say yes to everyone but ourselves. Ask yourself, would the people you’re are constantly helping out do the same for you?

I’ll admit this is challenging, however it gets better with time.  If people genuinely care about you they will respect your response.

#2 SET BOUNDARIES

We have a tendency to spread ourselves too thin and we end up blaming others instead of taking responsibility for our actions.

“A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.” If you don’t set boundaries, you can’t be mad when people cross the line.

Start setting boundaries by being honest with yourself and acknowledging how you feel. Pay attention to what’s causing you to feel like boundaries have been crossed. Acknowledge those emotions, even if it is hard.  If you feel like someone has crossed the line, express how you feel to the person who you feel crossed the line. Be a grown-up and have an open, honest conversation.

#3 CREATE ME TIME

Yes, I can see the eyes rolling and with it comes the excuses.  Self-care is not optional, it is important for your personal growth.  When you think of self-care, you think of getting your hair done, retail therapy and mani/pedis, right?  Self-care is more about taking care of your mental, emotional and physical health.

Practicing self-care isn’t selfish, you deserve to block time for you the same way you block time for everyone else.

#4 DUMP THE HEAD TRASH

Did you know we have 50,000 thoughts per day?  Of those thoughts, how many negative thoughts race through on any given day?  When you feed your brain negativity then you can’t produce anything positive.

You are good enough. You are capable of great things. You’re not too old. You’re not too young. You don’t have to be defined by your past. You’re not a failure.  You become what you believe and it’s up to you to begin to shift your thinking.

When you have a negative thought switch it to something positive.  Start affirming the woman you want to become.

#5 MAKE A HAPPY LIST

Do you know what makes you happy? What brings you joy each day?  I don’t know about you but I struggle answering this.  I challenge you to create a list of 50 things that make you happy and be intentional every day to do something off your list. It doesn’t have to be anything big just whatever brings you joy.

Here’s what makes me happy (not in any particular order): Starbucks, the beach, family, doing puzzles, road trips… you get the picture, right?

So I want you to

Say yes to your dreams.

Say yes to your goals.

Say yes to putting you first.

Say yes to doing things that make you happy.

Say yes to change.

Say yes to loving yourself.

Say yes to living the life you were created to live.

Say yes to being free.

If you want to practice some self-care, come visit me tomorrow at the Asbury Park Convention Hall at the WOMEN ROCK event….

It’s a free event full of information, shopping and just hanging out with some of your friends.  Hope to see you there.  Have a ThirtyOne-derful day!

Making Wine from Lemons

 

GOTCHA!  You really thought I was going to tell you how to make wine from lemons, right?

It is Thursday and we are only in the 2nd week of the New Year, what could possibly be stressing you out, right?

Maybe those holiday bills have started to come in.  Maybe work is not all you want it to be.  Maybe there are health issues.  Maybe there are relationship issues.  Whatever is stressing and upsetting you – you can OVERCOME it.

Now, I am not advocating drinking your troubles away BUT a nice glass of wine is a great way to relax for some.

Did you know that you can OVERCOME anything if you put your mind to it and believe you can.

Here’s 3 tips that will help YOU!

#1 Take Time To Yourself!  I get it.  It is hard to take time for yourself when it feels like the world is falling around you.  The truth is that despite the “mess”, you deserve time for yourself.  Okay, so an hour out of each day may sound CRAZY.  So start small with 15 minutes and work your way up to a full hour. During  this time, don’t worry about anything, fill your mind with positive thoughts, and do something you enjoy.

#2 Be Loyal And Respect Yourself!   I know that I am talking about this A LOT lately but it is so important.  Being loyal to yourself means that you are true to who you are, and never be sorry for it.  That means NEVER apologizing for being you.  You are AWESOME. Some may like you.  Others may not.  Isn’t that why we have 31 flavors of ice cream?  Respecting yourself means that you will not let people walk over you. That means “NO PEOPLE PLEASING”.  If there is something that you don’t want to do, respect yourself enough to say NO!

#3 Be Solution Driven! Life is a roller coaster full of up’s and down’s!  Everyone’s life has a roller coaster even if you don’t see it.  The best way  to power through life’s roller coaster of down’s is by learning to find solutions.  What can you do to work through the struggles you’re having?  Can’t see a solution? Make a list of pro’s and con’s and see what you come up with.  Maybe that will help you come to conclusion or maybe not. Either way, at least you will be able to say you did your best.  Who knows you may begin to see the rainbow at the end of the storm.

What kind of Wine Are You Making With Your Lemons?

Have a ThirtyOne-derful day!