“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” ~Brene Brown
It is Wednesday which means it is HUMP Day and Woohoo Wednesday. It is the day we focus on US! The things we like, the things we don’t like and the things we want to do better.
How many times have you longed to hear the words “you’re so nice”? Or maybe you wait patiently (okay, impatiently) to see how many likes you will get on a post on Facebook or Instagram. Admit it, we have all been there some time in our life.
I remember moving to a new neighborhood when I was younger. The same town but a totally different part where I had to make new friends. I always felt like I wasn’t pretty enough or good enough or smart enough for the popular crowd. Sadly, those people pleasing characteristics carried over into adulthood. Crazy, right?I still have a habit of unconsciously putting a great deal of my energy into people pleasing. I keep the boat steady, navigating carefully so as to not make too many waves. I dislike conflicts of any kind – mainly because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. It’s in my bones to be a peacekeeper. My comfort zone is melting into the background of things, being an observer. I don’t want to make waves, cause trouble, or upset anyone.
All of these traits have left most people seeing me as a “nice” person. Have you ever wondered if this is really a compliment. Is “nice” the legacy I want to leave on this world? Is it what I want to be remembered for someday? That I was “nice”? Actually – No. Nice is sweet, accommodating and agreeable. Nice is polite. But nice does not describe what I or you believe in. It doesnn’t indicate where our boundaries are.
So what about YOU? Is “nice” the legacy you want to leave behind?
Or do you want to be remembered as a strong and confident woman. A woman with a sense of grace and integrity. A woman who is straightforward, authentic and very clear about her boundaries. A women who stands firmly in her own truth. A woman who has little concern about receiving approval or validation from others. A woman who knows who she is and is completely at ease in her own skin. WOW! I want to be her, what about you?
We need to be “authentic” and for some it is “the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we are.” We need to release our need to please, and replace it with the courage to reveal our real and vulnerable selves. YIKES!
#1 Reclaim your own authenticity. To do this, we have to figure out when we are losing sight of it. Resentment creeps in when I am playing the “people pleaser” role. It’s the first sign I am using too much energy worrying about disappointing others.
#2 What is causing the resentment? Were you unclear about a boundary? Are you uncomfortable with a situation and you haven’t expressed your feelings to someone? Are you holding back you own feelings to avoid hurting another’s?
I have always loved to write – it is my release when it comes to stomping on the people pleasing characteristics, I tend to write a dialogue with myself. Try finishing these sentences and be specific.
1. I feel resentful because….
2. This means I haven’t been clear about something bothering me. Here is the blurred boundary…….
3. Here’s what’s okay with me….
4. Here’s what is not okay with me….
Believe it or no, when all is said and done my feelings of resentment and anger are not actually directed at another person. They are toward me. I am disappointed in myself for not staying loyal to my own values, for not giving myself the respect I so freely give out to others.
Being authentic takes courage. Learning to wade through the discomfort of setting boundaries takes risk. We risk disapproval. We risk being disliked. But I think the risk is worth it if we ultimately find respect for ourselves.
Are you ready to reclaim your authenticity. Let’s be brave, real and imperfect. Let’s be compassionate, kind and honest. Because really, aren’t these so much better than being “nice”?
Have a ThirtyOne-derful day!